*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected