[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.