*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem