[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?