*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.