*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Finally!
Breaking news:
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone