*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You Might Also Like
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
cats when you pet them too long: