*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
You Might Also Like
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.