*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
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There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.