[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Get in loser we’re going crying
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?