*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come