*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Perfect.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy