*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”