[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.