[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.