*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.