*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one