[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.