*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
You Might Also Like
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
the short answer to this question
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
liiiiiiiiike
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.