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If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.


Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?


One does not simply walk into more doors.


I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.


Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.


Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?


“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth


I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”