*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
You Might Also Like
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.