[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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the icebreaker
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked