[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace