[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”