…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.