Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You Might Also Like
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
This has made my week.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I am crying
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Rooting for the overdog
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger