Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected