Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Never let them know your next move 😂
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?