Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.