“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂