Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.