“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
<—- homeless romantic
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.