self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
also my go-to takeaway order
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.