Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
me irl
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar