Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
so, is there a mister shapen head