[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge