Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.