Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography