Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.