Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.


*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*


Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision


Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.


My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.


I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.


1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.


A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.


“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*