Sell your car
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.