*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“You drive, I’m tired.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME