*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.