Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
You Might Also Like
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
every college guy’s fridge
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Jupiter
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.