Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.