Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand