“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My background check bounced.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.