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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Real House Wines.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit