Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.