Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed