@XplodingUnicorn Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
@ambamthankyamam Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@UNDEADTRESOR A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
@noog Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
@Parkerlawyer My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
@sageboggs Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
@KateWouldHaveIt Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
@TheWadest Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@Whiteoutgirl33 Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
@lawyerthoughts Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
@doctorveritas “It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.