Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Sooo many times…..
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
A dad and his duck
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.