Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.