Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
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Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?